?

Log in

 
 
24 July 2006 @ 04:26 pm
 
OH man guys. Extremely delayed but here we are.

THE SEXUAL ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES

Part Two:
The Queer Affair of the Greek Interpreter

The beginning did not bode well.

"It was after tea of a summer evening, and I was lolling in bed with Holmes."

Lolz.

"My companion had been in a singularly romantic mood, and his lips had not departed my penis for the better part of an hour."

Yes, very romantic <3

To be fair, even though that one line makes it sound like Holmes had just been letting it lie there in his mouth like some sort of dead thing, it was actually much more active. Six orgasms, according to Watson. Well done. Though I imagine he'd be getting sore or something by now… And for having already done it 6 times today, this one of the longest blowjob scenes ever.

Gonk-worthy anatomical description ahead:
"I felt the crown slide through his constricting membranes, violently penetrating his throat"

Sounds like penis-murder ala our first tale.
As the scene winds down, Townsend attempts to bring some love and emotion into it but fails miserably.
"My emotional responses became so mingled it was difficult to separate or define them. The only clear image in my thoughts was the deer [sic], abiding regard I felt for Sherlock Holmes, a love that swelled anew with every lunging twist of his form on mine."

At least he tries. But I'm just not feeling it. You can't try to create an emotional aspect in an otherwise very methodical sex scene with only two sentences and expect it to work. Sorry, Mr. Townsend.

Moving on, the boys finally finish lolling (lol) and as in the original Adventure of the Greek Interpreter, Holmes lets slip that he has an elder brother, saying "Because my brother Mycroft possesses these gifts to an even larger degree than I do." Unfortunately, he is speaking of sexual prowess as well as intellect. But mostly sexual prowess. How Holmes knows this I don't know and thankfully Townsend doesn't tell us (thank GOD). The Diogenes Club is no longer a club where unsocialable men sit in silence together, but, predictably, a brutal S&M club for males.

Moriarty is mentioned for the first time:
"A truly dreadful person, who prides himself on his terrible sexual potential and uses his skills for the evil fulfillment of his own degenerate needs."

That anyone is mentally brilliant is of absolutely no importance. Not unexpected but bland and annoying nonetheless.

Holmes and Watson take off to the Diogenes Club to meet Mycroft, as per the original. Upon arrival, they are greeted at the door by a completely naked lad with whip markings. Why the people on the street don't notice this, I have no idea. Every member of the club is clad in standard leather bondage gear, leather thongs, straps and the like. Just sitting around reading. Naked but for a few straps here and there. Sounds like a bummer for afternoon reading sessions but whatever lifts their… er… floats their boats.

Mycroft appears, described as a rather stereotypical leather daddy. Unfortunately, no matter how many times Townsend told me he was muscular, I could only think of Mycroft Holmes as portrayed by Charles Gray. I think I need brain bleach.

The rule of everyone everyone being gay is still in effect. The man observed outside Mycroft's window is not buying toys for his children, but for his "kept boy" if you will. SIGH. As I said last time, how in god's name does anyone in London make babies? HOW?

Mr. Melas, the Greek Interpreter, is introduced at this point, inexplicably bound and gagged in a way well suited to the theme of this version of the Diogenes Club, all leather and genitals hanging out and the like. And yes, he is of course gorgeous like a Greek statue. He begins his tale of being approached by Mr. Latimer for help in translating. Latimer is of course creepy and dangerous. And he threatens Melas with a giant dildo. A gigantic dildo.
"He began drawing a most formidable-looking bludgeon from his pocket, a huge, heavy sap that must have been weighted with lead. It took me several moments to recognize the form, after which I sat back completely dumbfounded. It was the most monstrous artificial phallus!"

Awesome. Melas and Latimer arrive at their destination and meet Harold (Do they ever give his full name in the original GREE? I tried to look it up but got lazy and couldn't really find anything other than Harold. I could have sworn he and Latimer were the same person but… they're not. Whoops.)

Original Harold:
"…a small, mean-looking middle-aged man with rounded shoulders."

New Harold:
"…a small, mean-looking young man with shoulders like a bull."

Oh the wacky world of porn. Kratides is now brought out, his mouth no longer plastered but, in the words of sherlocky-cookies over at holmesian.net, on his hoo-hoo's. Melas has no choice but to help these cruel (but hot) men interrogate this unfortunate (but hot) man. The interrogation is interrupted when the bizarre alternate-universe version of Sophy, now a nameless young Greek boy (still in a white dress as Sophy was for no real reason). The young cross-dressed lad disrupts the whole thing and is of coursed punished using said gigantic phallus and everyone else gets in on the banging for no real reason in a disturbing 8-page long orgy-rape scene. Seriously disturbing. Kratides had been given some kind of aphrodisiac to make him get off at anything, even a the sight of the young boy (whom he obviously loved) brutally tortured. Melas is forced into participation by Kratides captors but claims to have come to enjoy it by the end, getting an erection as he told the story. Just… Ick. Somewhat less disturbing than the scene with Lucius Ferrier, I mean no one died at least, but very troubling anyway.

At the conclusion of this story, Holmes and Mycroft propose courses of action to follow to solve the mystery, including Melas staying at the Diogenes in his sexual captive state where no one would find him. Holmes and Watson return home and another really weird Baker Street sex-scene follows. Watson's asleep when Holmes comes into the room and is like "Surprise, blow job!" Unfortunately he's high on opium (in the middle of a case, what?) and a big deal is made about how he manages to fit both Watson's penis and testicles in his mouth. I didn't want to know and the image of anyone doing that kind of disturbs me. And, while his vocal parts are otherwise occupied, he spells out "Moriarty" in morse code on Watson's chest. He also has Watson bang him, instead of the other way around (though I prefer Watson on top, not that you all needed to know that *suicides*). This is because the drugs have made him a bit impotent. I don't know why Watson isn't angry with him about the drugs like he usually is. I guess because of the sex. LAME. And also obnoxiously far out of character.

The ending of this story strays extremely from the original. Holmes goes off to a club of ill-repute known as the Roaring Bitch (could you even get away with that name in the Victorian Era? Come on.) dressed as flamboyantly as possible to attempt to discover Moriarty's involvement in the case. After Holmes departs, it turns out that Melas left the Diogenes club, having had enough of sex, and no one cares that his life is in danger so they just let him go (buh?). Watson sends Wiggins to Holmes with the message but when he doesn't come back Watson goes after him. The poor boy got raped when he showed up. AND WATSON DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT!
"…First some bloke grabs me and antoher cove pulls down me pants, and I tries to yell. But the music gets louder and louder, and…"
"Did you get the message to Mr. Holmes?" I demanded.
"That I did not sir!" said Wiggins. "I was lucky to get away with me prick and me bollicks still a part'a me!"

WHY DOESN'T WATSON CARE? AUGH. DAMMIT.

ANYWAY. Watson moves on and tries to get some information from one of the male whores at the Bitch (god that bothers me). He ends up drinking a bit with him (who is dressed as a her) and after claiming to be "more than a little tiddly" from it, gets dragged into the back room where people are rumpy-pumpying out in the open. One of whom is Holmes.
"I spied the tall, powerful form of Sherlock Holmes across the rom, still painted and wearing the wig as last I saw him. But other than this he was completely naked, lying upon his back on a couch, his long legs waving in the air as a giggling, pretty lad in a violet gown knelt against his backside, obviously sodomizing him."

What… what? How did that even HAPPEN? Not that anything makes sense anyway. Moving on, Watson calls out to him which stirs up a bunch of ruckus because Moriarty is in charge of the place. Everybody gets pissed, a gun goes off, people go running, the police barge in, and Holmes makes a break for it with Watson, still completely naked, and they leap into a cab. In the cab is Mr. Melas and a "lady" and the driver is Mycroft. Familiar but… wrong story. The "lady" is the Sophy equivalent who never seems to get a name. Turns out, Kratides (now deceased) was the owner of an island in Greece that's like a pleasure resort for dudes that love other dudes and it was going to pass on to Sophy-equivalent and Moriarty wanted it for himsef, to lock away his conquests (which is why he's evil now, not just general crime, just abducting pretty young boys).

Then the story ends. Just… stops. With an ominous OMG MORIARTY tone. But… not really.

This one was definitely worse than Study in Lavender Lace, I tell you what. *shudder*


Eventually, I'll do The Final Solution. Not gonna say coming soon like I did last time because... man. That was a big 'ol lie.
 
 
Current Music: Chemical Brothers - got glint-
 
 
 
Reflective: Holmesfingerhaldane on July 24th, 2006 10:59 pm (UTC)
This is great - I don't have to read the awful original, but this hilarious knock-off had me actually laughing out loud. (I made the mistake of following your picture links, in order.)

And there's more?????
tekiclutch on July 24th, 2006 11:41 pm (UTC)
I started violently coughing at the "brain bleach" picture. For reals.
ryancoile on October 17th, 2008 06:44 am (UTC)
Hey, Josh, are Cherry and Mark married for reals. Also, do we know Rusty’s history. I generally don’t read this comic, but you’ve forced me to.
SERIOUS FEMININE DERANGEMENTwoodburner on July 25th, 2006 12:12 am (UTC)
I think I need brain bleach.

I... I... *cries* WHY. WHY MUST YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME.
Weirdo the Abhorrentjianna on July 25th, 2006 02:19 am (UTC)
BECAUSE PETER TOWNSEND DID IT TO ME AND I'M A VENGEFUL BITCH, APPARENTLY >D
tylermcafee on October 9th, 2008 03:02 pm (UTC)
Oh yes People have been going on at me because I'm not testifying at the trial of the man who shot me.
desmondbelle on October 9th, 2008 03:29 pm (UTC)
Oh yes People have been going on at me because I'm not testifying at the trial of the man who shot me.
brandennowak on October 17th, 2008 03:10 am (UTC)
That's all I've ever said, that it could have been but I'm not going to say for sure. Mr. HUBERT. In other words, it was not a positive identification.
Nuclear Autumn: sword in your goddamned eyemojavefive on July 25th, 2006 01:03 am (UTC)
If you really want to find out how people in London make babies, I'd be happy to show you. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

But seriously. This book is just going from bad to worse. Dull random sex scenes, mangled storyline, zero creativity expended. Reading angsty teenagers' poetry on AOL is less painful than this. I hope you can get your money back... if not, burn it, lest another unsuspecting person suffer the same fate.
Kaylanotfromvenus on July 25th, 2006 01:06 am (UTC)
Oh man, that's great. I seriously LOLed. I'm sure ACD is rolling in his grave!
ragnarok_iiiragnarok_iii on July 25th, 2006 02:58 am (UTC)
Not gonna say coming soon like I did last time because... man.

lol "coming"
Weirdo the Abhorrentjianna on July 25th, 2006 03:09 am (UTC)
lol.
karose on July 25th, 2006 05:40 am (UTC)
Well my mental Mycroft is Christopher Lee, so that description wasn't quite as bad as it could have been...
lostwiginity: Incognito - Holmeslostwiginity on May 12th, 2010 02:48 pm (UTC)
Did he play Mycroft Holmes? Cos I only know him as Sherlock Holmes.
Spacefall: snacroftspacefall on July 25th, 2006 12:17 pm (UTC)
Bloody hell, there's *more* of this stuff??
pandapony: holmes/watsonpandapony on July 25th, 2006 06:59 pm (UTC)
Pure awesome.
red: katamari - laid-back kingredconverse on July 25th, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC)
Oh man, I need that brain bleach picture on a t-shirt. Like now.

Seriously, it's even more awesome than when I first saw him in the Granada adaptations, and could only think, "Dude, why is his brother the criminologist from Rocky Horror? And why am I such a geek that I know that right away?"

Anyway, I've been loving these reviews. I shall eagerly anticipate the next loving and romantic chapter in this saga.
rfiennesloverrfienneslover on July 27th, 2006 09:09 pm (UTC)
*ROTFLMAO*
Actually, Charles Gray wasn't bad-looking when he was younger. That and he looked to be well-built. :P Based on your reviews, I'll be sure to stay away from that particular book. Thanks for the warning. :D

Psst. I prefer Watson on top, too. ;)
Curried Goat in a paper cupderien on September 5th, 2007 02:17 pm (UTC)
Mycroft Holmes as portrayed by Charles Gray. I think I need brain bleach.

*hoots with laughter* I love the fact that your picture managed to preserve the fact that he has no neck!

Why on earth would anyone have ever published something so bad? Why don't we even try to get some of the really GOOD Holmes/Watson stories out there published? Or does the publishing industry just feel that books have to be all or nothing? Either it's horrible (and badly written) porn or it's a normal story with no gayness, at least as far as I can see from the published things I've read.